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“I could NEVER date a smoker.” I’ve said this so many times since I’ve started dating. I can’t take the smell, it also really bothers my eyes and lungs. I have a lot of close friends who smoke, and it drives me crazy. It’s such a deal breaker for me. Until today...
I mentioned meeting James in a recent blog, and that he breaks a deal breaker. He smokes. He’s quitting, but with how hard it is for him to give it up, I still label him as a smoker. Now I believe he’s trying to quit, but I don’t know how successful he’ll be, and I’m not sure how to handle it. I obviously don’t want him to quit for me because then if we fight or break up, he’d most likely jump back into it. I want him to quit for him. But yes, I do want him to quit. Since he started quitting before he met me, I know he’s doing it for him, which is great.
But what do I do now? I want to support him, but not hound him about it either. He knows I’m all for him quitting, but when he mentions wanting to smoke, should I ask him not to? Here are some hints if you’re dating someone who smokes and you don’t or if you’re a smoker dating a non smoker.
If You’re A Non Smoker Dating A Smoker:
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- You know they smoke. It’s not okay for you to get angry or annoyed at them when they do. You knew this going into the relationship and it’s not fair to hold it against them. If you can’t do that, don’t date a smoker.
- You don’t have to be around it. If they pull out a cigarette and you can’t/don’t want to be around it, leave. You can also ask them not to smoke around you.
- Don’t expect them to quit for you, or ask them to quit for you. You can ask them if they want to quit, or have thought about it, and try to be supportive, but don’t make them do something they don’t want to do.
- Understand that this is a difficult dating situation, on both parties. Try not to let this dig a wedge between you.
If You’re A Smoker Dating A Non Smoker:
- Bring gum, mouth wash, body spray... Anything you can to help get the smell off of you. The smoke smell that lingers around you is just as bad as you smoking. It might be hard, or seem like a hassle, but look at it like this; they try to smell good for you.
- If you want to smoke, let your non smoking partner know and walk away.
- If you want to quit, don’t do it for your partner, do it for you. You’re more likely to succeed.
- It’s really hard for non smokers to date smokers, please do all you can to keep it away from them.
- You know they don’t smoke. You know they didn’t smoke going into the relationship. Don’t try to get them to start.
I’ve always had deal breakers, but I recently realized how you can overlook them if you really like the person. This still may not work out, but I’m going to give it a shot. He’s admittedly been going through a rough patch, but I like him enough I’d like to see him through it if I can. Even if we just become friends in the end.
I think it’s worth giving a shot.
So... what do you think? Please leave me a comment.
LyssaBugg isan ace veteran at Relationship Talk.
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19 Comments:
- Ruth:There are ways to quite smoking that will make it easier. Gum, the patch and so on. There is no half way here. Most people can’t really cut down or stop gradually. Its all or nothing. Us ex smokers and smokers are addicts just as much as an alcoholic and a crack addict. If he thinks of himself in this way, it will be easier for him to stop.
You are right though, he can only stop for himself. You can support him. - gummybears:The reason for quitting has to be strong. Once he finds that, he’ll stick to it. If not, he’ll still smoke.
:) it’s good you found someone you like seeing.
Funny how those lists we make go out the window sometimes isn’t it?
Smoking would be one of those things... One of the 'bad habits' about another person that under regular circumstances, should drive us nuts.
And aren’t those ‘bad habits’ the things that are supposed to endear us to someone?
He is a smoker right now. He may quit he may not. The probablity of him quitting is low. Now that you met him as a smoker, is there an expectations for you that he will quit?
I’m just running thoughts through my head right now...
In theory he is a smoker who is wanting to quit. You are a non smoker who likes the person enough to overlook his smoking. Now the question becomes; will you eventually like this guy enough to like his smoking? Lol! Not become a smoker yourself but love him because he does it? (Don’t actually have to answer that) :) - LyssaBugg:I can’t answer it either but I’ll run some thoughts around...
In theory; I would love to say I could grow to love his smoking. In reality I never will. Not because I can’t over look it, but because I know how much he hates it. He hates spending the money on them, he hates the habit, and he hates what it’s done to him. He has really low stamina, and you can tell it’s effected his lungs. Because of what it does to him I can’t love it. I MAY be able to accept the fact that he smokes if he wanted to be a smoker, but right now he doesn’t want to be one. I like that he’s cutting down, but I wish he would go cold turkey, otherwise you can make excuses and smoke really easily. I love that he’s so similar to me in some ways, but so different in others. We’ll just need to wait and see =). - itachi:Argh.... Everyday i think i’l quite smoke but.... Eh. But good to know lysabugg is starting to make exceptions. Because the last time i checked her list, it was horrible. I would have gotten crossed on every field! So my chance is up by 1% after this blog. ;)
- LyssaBugg::) I think it’s ideals vs. reality as far as the list goes. I talked to people who had exactly what I wanted and there was nothing, so new tactic =)
- Ruth:I found my man when I tossed the list out the window, and he is perfect for me. I do believe in deal breakers however... smoking is a big problem, and it affects more people than just the smoker. Other than having to kiss an ashtray, you get to breath good old second hand smoke! Yummy :-)
I have not been smoking for close to 10 years now. It was hell to stop and one of the main things that helped is that I distanced myself from smokers, stayed away from places people could smoke in and got some help with a guy that does bio energy. (I don’t believe in that stuff, but it worked for me)... If your guy is serious, he needs to do more than talk and cut back. Its hard to do, but you guys are young so it would be easier than stopping after smoking for 17 years.... - LyssaBugg:I’ll see how it goes on his own. Maybe dating me could help even though I’m not making him do it... Since I won’t smoke and won’t be around it.
Congrats on quitting about ten years ago =D - newbie:What if you went into a relationship without either one smoking, and then she starts the habit all of a sudden? The worst part is she isn’t even addicted to the nicotine, she just has that itch at her fingers for one. I have no idea how that works. Please advise. It’s really an issue for me to date a smoker, and it’s tearing things apart.
- Lord help us:I am in middle school and a guy i have liked asked me out so I said yes and I just found out he smoked and i am trying to help him quit cause I really like him but I don’t want to date a smoker what should i do?
- eLisa:that would be a deal breaker. wouldn’t date a smoker.
- Justin:What if the person you’re ask I to buy a pack for them, but don’t have the money or unable to? Is it wrong for to not worry about it?
- Lisa:I am a non smoker dating a smoker and it’s getting to the point where I’m thinking about just leaving. He is definitely a great guy, but the smell of cigarettes all over my clothes and hair is off putting. Plus his breath oh my gosh, but I love him. He lost most of his teeth and sometimes gets constant pain in his mouth some days it’s so excruciating that he can’t eat. But what has me really thinking to get away is seeing him in pain or something else with his health. I’ve cried so much because of it. Plus I guess I’m sensitive to smoke so my eyes and nostrils always feel like they are burning. I have put up with it for years and the emotional pain plus the physical is too much. My eyes are the ones that hurt the worst. They not only burn so bad, but they get so puffy that it looks like my eyes are about to close. I usually try to carry something cold with me so I can place in my eyes and calm down the burning sensation and the puffiness. This is the only man whom I’ve had a conversation about having kids together and getting married and it breaks my heart to think about letting him go because I will never find another as caring and great as him.? I love him so much even if he has teeth missing no matter how he looks like, but there is only so much I can put up with. I’ve talked to him about quitting, but he gets mad and tells me that im stuck up because I think I’m better than him. All I can say is don’t you see me crying because you are in pain? Because I don’t want you to die due to constant doctor visits. A really big scare when the doctor said he needs to check if he doesn’t have cancer. I personally wouldn’t recommend a non smoker to date a smoker. It’s too much and you never know how sensitive you are to those cigarettes till you end up dating a smoker. It never crossed my mind that it would be a big issue, but it is. Now the only thing I can is wait until tomorrow have a serious talk and if he can’t be honest and tell me wether he wants to quit or not instead of the constant excuses I get from him. This time he has to tell me yes he wants to quit and will do it or no he doesn’t want to quit and just wants to keep smoking. It will be hard to breakup, but in this point it will be for the best if he can’t give me the answer I’m looking for. So depressed that after being together for a couple of years and he has not even tried to quit I’m just going to be done with this so done. Personally I would advise non smokers to think real well on dating a smoker because later on the many problems will arise like it did in our relationship.
- Mike G.:I know a smoker who had the same issue with his girlfriend. He told her that she really couldn’t understand unless she smoked. It took awhile but he got her to vape while he’d smoke. Eventually he convinced her to try the nicotine liquid, since (he said) nicotine can be a good thing for a variety of reasons. Well, I saw them a couple of months ago and she was smoking analogs! She told me that she tried them and liked it right away.
I guess that’s one way to 'solve' the problem. :( - Marie:I admire you for giving a smoker who is trying to quit a chance. Recently I was in the same situation but was the smoker trying to quit. I wasn’t honest with my habit at the beginning of the relationship and he ended it. A deal breaker for him for sure. Keep in mind there may be something about you that he is overlooking and is willing to give you a chance because he realizes that you have so many good points. Right now I am smoke free however find it very difficult at times but I can guarantee you I am a decent person.
- MissDawn:I am interested in dating a guy who I know smokes but he does flirt with me ! So I am going to try to have him over to my house and may be talk him out of smoking for mine and his dating life and for his life too ! Thanks
- doofis:I used to smoke off and on for well over a decade.
Now I don’t feel like smelling like **** (smokers do), having breathing problems (mmm throat cancer), or taking care of some stubborn old smoker with lung cancer.
Nope. Have fun with your **** sticks. I’m done with them.